i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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