If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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