I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
