I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
