it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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