I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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