The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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