I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
