Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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