my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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