Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The adults are the big ones right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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