I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
