The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
