gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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