Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
