then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
