Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
