hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
