Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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