ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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