True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
