We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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