I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
