dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
