You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
