I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she told me i tasted like america
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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