I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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