It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
