I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
