she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
