Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
