dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
