I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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