Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
