hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
