Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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