I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
