yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
