someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
