I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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