Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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