You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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