I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
