You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
