there was a trapeze. enough said
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
