considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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