I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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