Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
