Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
