I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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