I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
