I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
