I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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