I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
