dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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